


Freefall

by thefullergirl



Series: Distance [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: M/M, Toronto, confession of some sorts, figure skating, javier fernandez - Freeform, poem, yuzuru hanyu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2018-11-23 19:57:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11409150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefullergirl/pseuds/thefullergirl
Summary: and maybe they don’t know about howI’ve watched you more than I dare admitbecause you have always belonged there with the unforgiving icea beautiful force none dared to touch





	1. Fall from Grace

there are things that I will always know how to do  
like letting sweet air fill my lungs  
like blinking myself into the peaceful dark  
like the steady glide of my blades on ice  
like the buttoning of a shirt  
like tilting the corners of my mouth up in a smile  
all things that I have spent my lifetime knowing  
as familiar as the mussed-up bed I sink into every day  
as the walls and the smell of cooking I came home to before  
as much of a part of me as all of my thoughts

routine is embedded into my very bones  
years full of countless mornings drilling each step  
as natural to me now as breathing  
picking myself up after every mistake  
not letting myself be less than what I expect

and maybe for a while  
I hated the discipline they shackled me with  
couldn’t see what I would become if I just pushed more  
wouldn’t let my mind consider the possibilities  
put down again and again when I barely believed in myself  
letting their words and my frustration ring in my ears

how could I have known  
that fighting against my tendencies  
listening better to what I am told now  
learning to commit more to this now  
would help to put me in front of the flash of a hundred cameras

so in routine I trusted  
rarely breaking that unless I was clouded by thoughts  
dedicating my time and my heart into every step  
waking up knowing I will do better

but there are things I will never know how to do  
like how to welcome something new  
into the safety of what was accustomed  
like how to deal with the uncertainty  
of breaking a pattern

you came here bundled up in coats and a scarf  
not yet used to the bite of the cold  
and I remember a photo of me from a lifetime ago  
only my eyes peeking out amidst a sea of fabric  
and there you were  
as lost as I had been

you knew your way on the ice  
but you were still so unsure of every move you made  
still a little scared of this new world  
probably with a heart that ached for home  
and shoulders burdened with a country behind him

the first time I greeted you with a smile  
you stumbled a bit and mumbled a reply  
and I understood the unease in your face  
knew that I had been as lost  
knew that I could help with how you felt

so in the months that followed  
with the same ice beneath us  
we shared friendly grins and short stories  
battled the language divide and listened  
deciphering while teaching each other  
never easy and yet never tiring

you still held back every time I tried  
to hold out a hand  
offer more words and encouragements  
I didn’t push but I wanted to try again  
try to understand what world was in your mind  
and what part of that I was

yet we were never really strangers to each other  
as went to several countries and stepped onto podiums  
sharing those inside jokes I know too well  
talking in the way only we knew how to

soon enough what we had was a routine  
familiar and natural and comfortable  
holding out my arms for you to crash into  
cheering each other on even if we know we can’t be heard  
understanding even without a word between us  
smiles that showed true happiness now|  
and everyday in that rink I knew I could count on that

and maybe they don’t know about how  
I would let your fingers dig into my arms  
as you tried to drain your worries from your mind  
and it was always so solemn in those moments  
I have never been much of quiet person  
but I wouldn’t dare make a peep  
it was never easy for us and what we had to do  
yet we still went out there day after day

and maybe they don’t know about how  
I’ve watched you more than I dare admit  
because you have always belonged there with the unforgiving ice  
a beautiful force none dared to touch  
thinking that you are but a dream gliding there  
and I was scared that that’s all you were  
this unreachable mirage that was all too sure now  
no more of the doubt that painted your face  
and more of the grace that floored everyone

and maybe they don’t know about how  
a part of me broke  
every time you did  
you didn’t let anyone see  
but I saw the cracks in the porcelain of you  
though I knew it wasn’t my calling to put you back together  
I still wanted to try  
because all I wanted was to try with you  
try to make it better  
try to make you know that I was there

and maybe you don’t know about how  
every single time you light up  
at all those banquets and all those off-rink moments  
I feel myself latching onto the same feeling  
and I have always known the brightness and warmth of the sun  
and yet those can never compare to the pure joy you have  
the very thing I want to keep with me until the end

and maybe you have absolutely no idea  
about how it threw me off balance  
when you distanced yourself from me  
and maybe I didn’t let my world revolve around you  
but it felt like it was pulled out from under me  
and I couldn’t understand  
but I knew that I never completely did  
when it came to you

when you fell again  
I was more than ready to catch you  
knew even days before that you were struggling  
tried to coerce you out of it but you wouldn’t listen  
but how could I be mad  
when I should’ve been there  
should’ve been the first to pull you up  
because there was still the weight of the flag on your back  
and you were pulled down more than we could have thought

so I held you  
in the only way I knew I could  
it had been a while and I wasn’t sure if you were okay with it  
but I was there and I couldn’t bear to see you like that  
you always won for me despite those numbers  
because now you were so much more than anyone ever expected  
because you have won over the world and yet you couldn’t see  
how that medal didn’t matter as much  
as how you mattered to me

but I have to remember that  
you are farther from me than I intended  
better than I could ever be  
as a skater, as a person, as a friend  
and maybe we have shared the same light for years  
it is time that I step out now

you broke so many of the rules I had for myself  
you broke patterns and left me stumbling  
just like how you were those first few days  
we might as well be half a world away with how we grew apart  
and I know our promises to keep in touch won’t go through  
but this I understand more than I ever did with you

I promise to step up there one more time with you  
smile that smile you have known all this time  
because after it all I think you deserve to know  
that the only times I belonged in the cold of this place we call home  
was when I was by your side.


	2. Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes I’m worried I might forget  
> the sound of your laugh whenever I try to dance  
> because all my life I’ve never been great at moving in time to music  
> how your hands are holding me by the waist and trying to guide me through steps  
> those eyes I can’t look into anymore sparkling with contentment  
> the last strains of a song from somewhere enough for us to glide to

the thing I hate admitting the most  
is that I miss you 

a familiar feeling, this I know  
residing in the base of my ribcage  
pushed down with every breath I take  
tucked away in the shadows of everyday  
supposed to be forgotten until a more convenient time

but what is a convenient time  
when every minute passes like nothing  
when days and weeks drag on like eternities  
when my waking hours are pockets of time turning up empty

I get stuffed into cars and trains and planes  
watching as cities go by like mere blurs in my vision  
counting broken streetlamps and closing my eyes against the dawn  
drumming my fingertips against my seat  
looking over at my sleeping companions  
and thinking about how it felt to hear you whisper softly  
asking if we’re already there

used to take deep breaths while lowering my shoulders when I’m with you  
used to let my laugh resonate in the too-quiet spaces  
used to let you know about what I have always hid from the world  
used to hold my arms open for you to come into

but now I’d rather not stay too close to you  
knowing that my everything will go rigid at the tension I didn’t even know we had  
too aware of every word and every sound I make  
a longing to go back but understanding that everything  is well in the past

we are adults now, after all  
no more of the youth that made us giggle at each other’s shenanigans  
talk of dreams isn’t even something we have time for  
as we end up worlds away from a home we’ve shared over the years

maybe we can tell them that we tried  
what with all the differences that became bricks in the wall between us  
knocked on each other’s doors and holding onto a shred of hope that somebody will answer  
picked up conversation again and again but knowing it will go nowhere  
not the nowhere we used to be lost together in  
but the nowhere we now hate

I don’t know how to talk to you  
about the hate I feel for myself and how I want to claw my own being out  
about the exhaustion that won’t go away with sleep  
about old pictures that I can’t even bear to look at without feeling sad  
about how much I want to talk to you after all this time

sometimes I’m worried I might forget  
the sound of your laugh whenever I try to dance  
because all my life I’ve never been great at moving in time to music  
how your hands are holding me by the waist and trying to guide me through steps  
those eyes I can’t look into anymore sparkling with contentment  
the last strains of a song from somewhere enough for us to glide to

or maybe in a few years’ time I won’t remember  
the soft but sure way you lean into a hug  
arms around me with so much strength and yet the most care  
I never knew what fitting perfectly with someone felt like before you  
telling me things I can’t quite comprehend through all my tears  
and I have so many words, none of which I can say  
because how can you understand when even then, right there in your embrace  
we were already so far away?

I keep myself up at night to try to run through it all  
how we’ve soared and fallen and gotten up again and again  
offering arms and hands to steady each other  
sharing earphones and nodding to music only we can hear  
quiet moments where we both looked down at our laps  
our uneven breaths as we walked back with the sun only starting to set

I’d hate to ask for time  
when for a while it was me who couldn’t make time for you  
making excuses and shutting you out from the chaos of who I was  
but I need it now more than ever  
with the burden on my spine pushing me down further

no, I don’t want to ask you to carry it with me  
for it is mine to bear  
all I want is the way you used to hold me as I broke  
maybe it won’t put everything back together like it used to  
but for now, I don’t need it to

I’d hate to ask for explanations  
when I don’t even have one for how I set out on my own without you  
drifting from you like the paper boats on floodwater  
but I want my heart to be quieted  
from the doubts that plague it but have long been ignored

no, I don’t want to ask you to fight to keep this  
for it is I who caused the rift  
all I want is to hear about how it felt to see me go where it was hard to follow me  
all I want is for you to explain why when you told me I was beautiful in a language I couldn’t understand, I still knew  
why you keep telling the world I’m someone to be proud of when even I’m not proud of myself

I have come to accept it all, though  
watching as your back disappears into the shadows after being bathed in neon  
turning to the sea of glitter and flashes and smiles  
knowing this was your world too  
and choosing to leave it all behind is best  
you say there isn’t much of a place left here for you  
I keep thinking that your place is with me

but I will go back to the place where we grew together  
dance to the songs you forgot to pack with you  
let my smile reach the heavens we stared at for too long  
watch as everything blurs as I go  
knowing that someday, maybe  
you will know what place to come home to.

**Author's Note:**

> Himeaka and I were talking about how the Olympic season might be Javi's last and this came into life.


End file.
